How I figured out I was Bi

When I was in elementary school, I remember having lots of crushes on boys. I swear I would have a new crush every week, but being a child I knew nothing about the world of love. I also didn’t know anything about other relationships aside from the straight couple examples that I would see everywhere.

But I would have close relationships with girls, but only a couple. I look back on it now and see that I preferred deeper connections with a small amount of girls I knew and sillier ones with the many boys I befriended. I always remembered thinking “boys make better friends then girls”. As a child this made sense to me, if a boy stopped talking to me that was fine because I had more to talk to and laugh with. But if a girl stopped talking to me, it would bother me, I remember dwelling on it. Am I ugly? Am I not girly enough? Am I not fun? Why did she stop talking to me? As a child, I guess I always thought I would end up with a boy anyway, and ending up with a girl never crossed my mind. So maybe I thought the relationships between the two should be different? I’m not 100% sure…

 So to keep from being hurt, I made few friends that were girls. I would say “I don’t want to deal with the drama”, but in reality I just think I didn’t want to deal with being hurt. As I look back on it now maybe I was thinking that I’ll always find another boy, that there will always be a boy, but never another girl. I guess I would see all these girls on tv that had sure strong bonds and wanted that to. It had never crossed my mind that there would be other girls to.

I thought nothing of this behavior or the thoughts at the time. Why would I? I was in the 5th grade.

I wasn’t until boyfriend #2 in high school that some of my friends started suggesting I was Bi and I denied it every chance I had. They would notice the way I would act around some of them, or the things I would say. I would just say I was being a good friend and that I cared. How could I like a girl? I couldn’t even deal with my own bullshit and emotions, how could I date someone with the same problems? The thought never really crossed my mind. But they had a point, as I got older I would see some of my friends and think “I would treat you so much better, like a princess”. I would get so upset over the ways there boyfriends treated them and I would wanted to be there prince, there protector. But I would still go on denying that these were at all romantic thoughts.

And then more thoughts rushed in.
I would be the prefect boyfriend if I was a boy.
I wish we could cuddle…would that be weird?
Her hair is so pretty
I wonder what it’s like to kiss someone wearing lipstick
I wonder how soft her skin is.
God she’s so pretty, but I can’t bring myself to talk to her…
And more and more came randomly.

I’m 25 now, and have only kissed a couple girls. I’ve had 6 boyfriends but 0 girlfriends, and I don’t think I need to date a girl to know how I really feel about them.

I want to be her prince, or his princess. I want brush hair out of her pretty face, but I also want him to do the same to me.

Emotions are still a confusing and difficult thing for me to translate. I’m finding I’m more emotionally drawn to girls and physically to guys, though that does change sometimes. But what’s really annoying now is that I now stare at everyone. And not a lot of girls like that, because they think I’m critiquing them. When really I’m just wondering lots and lots little things that make me blush and smile. But I always do the same thing to guys and it makes me look like a creeper girl. So now I’m just surround by lots of people to stare at…

Luckily my current boyfriend (lucky #7) of 7 years doesn’t mind it, and we currently have a monogamous relationship. Which is good for right now, because I’m still extremely shy around beautiful girls. Like a 12 year old boy trying to figure out how to approach girls…

Though we do agree with the idea of open relationships, we're both very possessive and hate the idea of anyone touching the other. Maybe that will change later, but for right now this is how we are.

I can laugh at myself sometimes, because I’m pretty confident about myself and my sexuality. Except for this… this makes me unsure and shy, and I can’t think right. *sigh* I turn into a total mess thinking about it sometimes. haha.

But what also bothers me is that I’ve never formally came out to anyone but a couple close friends and my sister. I guess it shouldn’t matter because I’m with someone, but it’s just something that pops up here and there.

Thanks for listening to my inside voice.